Why Would They Know?

Years ago, when I was becoming an executive coach, my teacher shared a brilliant framework with the class, one that I still use every single day. He said, when you are trying to explain something to another person, but they just aren’t grasping what you are saying, or they remain perplexed, he said, as a coach, ask yourself this question …’ why would they know any different?’

It’s an incredibly simple question that puts a completely new frame on whatever is going on. So often we travel through our days at the speed of light, lists with check boxes next to them, time ticking away, and often multi-tasking (come on, you know you are …), that when we engage with another person, are we truly looking at them to see what we have just said actually registered? Were you looking at your phone or computer when you asked them the question ..” Do you have that?” Do you find yourself perplexed as to why the output didn’t happen the way you thought?

It's important to remember that others, well, they are not us. They think differently. They have lived differently. They may have a different context and self-culture for life and work.

When you engage with others, one way to help ensure they get it is to provide ‘nesting frames’. Perhaps start by simply framing the conversation, as if you were introducing it, “I wanted to talk about the project with you and get your thoughts on a few ideas I had”. This helps the other person get focused.

Provide context. Is there a history of conversations? Where did you leave off? If there is, start the conversation by simply saying, ‘Last time we talked, we focused on …’

If there is no history to the situation, it’s good to ask them if they have any experience with the topic. They may have an entire world you know nothing about. If they don’t explain what ‘it’ is. Don’t assume. And once you have described it, ask them to describe it in their own words. This will let you know what data points you still need to provide.

If there is an ask, be specific with it … who, what, where, when, and especially why. Let them know if they will need anything to work with ‘it’. Let them know if anything is dependent upon their work. Give them an example of what ‘done’ is.

For some of you, this may feel like overkill. Why don’t they just get it? Because the rework that may need to be done because you chose to skip those brief, incredibly important details, will be far more frustrating. For everyone.

And, it’s important to do this because it is simply respectful. When you take a few minutes to truly pay attention to another person, to give them the tools to be successful, that is respectful.

Confusion To Clarity